In Deep Thoughts on a Christmas Day

Everyone I know seems to be in deep slumber after celebrating Noche Buena here in the Philippines. Well, not me. I tried to sleep, yet, I keep on tossing and turning since the time my clock reminded me that it's Christmas, hence, I decided to put my restless mind (and heart) to become productive, that is, to write. 📝📃📄

As what my close and real friends know, I hate Christmas. For some reasons, this time of the year really makes me blue. I try hard not to be sad. I even do not post any negative quotes or the like on social networking sites, but I really can't help but still feel down during this time of the year. Can it be because of my current state in life? Or because of having to spend so much this season? I guess it's more of because I try my best to make others happy that should make me happier but deep inside I have to admit that it makes me sadder. Weird, isn't it?

I keep on reminding myself to love myself more. I even often take a glance on my inked left arm to remind me of this (Don't forget to love yourself), yet, I still do the opposite. I still love more than I can give. End result? I get hurt for doing so. I pretend to be happy but I know I am not. I still feel empty when I know a lot of people love me.

What's weirder is that I am an epitome of a strong woman for some but little did they know how I cry endlessly until I can cry no more. Little did they know that this person whom they look up to, who try not to shed any tear in public, cries a lot alone. Little did they know that this pretentious lady feels unappreciated after exerting too much effort in making others happy.

I don't know if there are people who share the same sentiments as mine. I know, this won't really make me any good. Ergo, I will just continue to be happy for others. Maybe, just maybe, it will make me happy too. Like what I always advise people, happiness is a choice. Even if I feel so sad for feeling unappreciated, even if my self esteem now is lower than the deepest underground, even if I feel as if people I care for force themselves to care for me, I guess I don't have much of a choice but to command my brain to be happy. Hopefully, If I do that, then everything else follows. I hope that I can master the art of being selfless, too. I hope I can start to think of myself and not to love others too much than myself. It's not that bad to hope for something, right? Miracles do happen. I'll just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

Merry Christmas 🎄 from the forever in deep thoughts blogger. ❤🎉🎅🍻

posted from Bloggeroid

The Endless Searching For "The One".

Oh body clock! Everyone is already sound asleep and here I am again in the middle of the night wide awake, reminiscing the days that were and the "what have beens".

Back in the days when I didn't know a lot this world has to offer, I loved the feeling of being inlove. Back then, I would cry a river if my relationship with someone didn't work, to the extent that I would literally be broken into pieces, thinking how unfair life is, then, I would get to meet a new "prospect", would fall inlove all over, then, would eventually get hurt, cry myself to sleep, then find a new one again. Yes, this is a never ending cycle: Finding the man, falling head over heels, losing him, ergo, resume the "searching". I know, I am an epitome of a hopeless romantic, isn't it? Well, you can say that again!

I am not getting any younger but it seems to me that I still haven't outgrown this demeanor: I search, I fall, I give my all, I fail, I break. Then I try again with high hopes then I lose again in the end. I get tired and emotionally drained but I keep on searching and hoping anyway.

What makes falling inlove so special that I can not resist from doing over and over despite knowing that I'd lose the game in the end? What makes heartache so painful that I know is inevitable but I still push myself to it and I end up being hurt in the long run anyway?

Too many questions yet the answers are unfathomable for someone like me up to this point in my life wherein I should have found the answers by now, or at least that someone who will put me at peace. Someone who will put a stop to my unbounded searching. Someone who will make me write happier narratives. Someone who will make me look forward to facing the future no matter how ugly or amazing it looks like.

Everyone tells me to wait. It will happen when it happens. Albeit my impatience, I am still awaiting for that perfect time. What choice do I have anyway but to wait?

My eyes and heart still won't cooperate with my mind which is asking me to call it a night. Just like what I often command myself, to stay happy in spite of what I feel, that is, I will force myself to sleep, to be in deep slumber, maybe I'll find "The One" in my dreams. 💗💗💗

posted from Bloggeroid

On Being Alone Versus Being Lonely

I have been contemplating since this morning whether or not to go out. Pictures of flowers, chocolates, engagement rings, and happy couples are all over different social networking sites. Yes. It's Valentine's Day. A special day that you get to celebrate with your special someone. Hence, the reason that I didn't want to go out in the first place. I guess the masochist in me won. I decided to leave the four corners of my room and face reality. Reality that I'm still alone, without knowing what the future has in store for me.

True enough, as I enter one of the malls in the metro, I see all those ecstatic faces with their love ones, women with flowers or heart-shaped baloons on one hand, and holding the hands of their partners on the other. Restaurants seem to be jam-packed with couples too! There are even some who have themed shirts or color coded outfits while snuggling with each other. Precisely what I need today, right? Yes. This is what I want and what I need. I want to feel the pain, if there's any. I feel the need to test the level of my emotions. As I always tell my friend, "Pain demands to be felt". True, that may be an excerpt from one of the flicks that I watch over and over until now, but this is where I can only prove how strong I am as an individual.

Pathetic and lonely may I sound, I decided to treat myself with my favorite Frappuccino and sat ALONE while I continue to watch people around me. And it hit me once again. I am alone. This is what I want. This is what I want to feel.

I recall reading an article not too long ago on the differences between being lonely from being alone. I believe I can say with conviction that I am not lonely. I am just plain alone. Being alone is not always synonymous to being lonely. Loneliness is a state of mind. You can be alone and still remain happy. I feel empty at times, owing to the fact that I don't have someone special in my life, yet, I also know that it won't do me any good should I continue to feel that way. It's a matter of perception. Thanks to the endless struggle between my functioning mind over my sometimes weak heart that I have already mastered the art of being happy in spite of being alone.

Loneliness, on the other hand, is your choice. You may have been through a lot of heartaches and may have wishfully thought of being special and loved by someone, but it's still up to you. It lies on how you will live your lives. It's up to you if you will hold on to the pain. It depends on you if you will continue to hope, or if you will move on. It's up to you if you will do something to make loneliness turn to contentment. It depends on you.

I faced my fears. I know I am alone and I don't know for how long. One thing I know for sure is that I am not lonely. 😊

posted from Bloggeroid