In Deep Thoughts on a Christmas Day

Everyone I know seems to be in deep slumber after celebrating Noche Buena here in the Philippines. Well, not me. I tried to sleep, yet, I keep on tossing and turning since the time my clock reminded me that it's Christmas, hence, I decided to put my restless mind (and heart) to become productive, that is, to write. 📝📃📄

As what my close and real friends know, I hate Christmas. For some reasons, this time of the year really makes me blue. I try hard not to be sad. I even do not post any negative quotes or the like on social networking sites, but I really can't help but still feel down during this time of the year. Can it be because of my current state in life? Or because of having to spend so much this season? I guess it's more of because I try my best to make others happy that should make me happier but deep inside I have to admit that it makes me sadder. Weird, isn't it?

I keep on reminding myself to love myself more. I even often take a glance on my inked left arm to remind me of this (Don't forget to love yourself), yet, I still do the opposite. I still love more than I can give. End result? I get hurt for doing so. I pretend to be happy but I know I am not. I still feel empty when I know a lot of people love me.

What's weirder is that I am an epitome of a strong woman for some but little did they know how I cry endlessly until I can cry no more. Little did they know that this person whom they look up to, who try not to shed any tear in public, cries a lot alone. Little did they know that this pretentious lady feels unappreciated after exerting too much effort in making others happy.

I don't know if there are people who share the same sentiments as mine. I know, this won't really make me any good. Ergo, I will just continue to be happy for others. Maybe, just maybe, it will make me happy too. Like what I always advise people, happiness is a choice. Even if I feel so sad for feeling unappreciated, even if my self esteem now is lower than the deepest underground, even if I feel as if people I care for force themselves to care for me, I guess I don't have much of a choice but to command my brain to be happy. Hopefully, If I do that, then everything else follows. I hope that I can master the art of being selfless, too. I hope I can start to think of myself and not to love others too much than myself. It's not that bad to hope for something, right? Miracles do happen. I'll just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

Merry Christmas 🎄 from the forever in deep thoughts blogger. ❤🎉🎅🍻

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