Page 366 of 2016

I can still clearly recall how busy I was during this time of the year last year. I can also remember how I stopped in the middle of the busy night just to use my creative juices into action, that is, to make a new blog. And here I am again, amidst my very "productive" day, trying to think of how my 2016 has been.

Like the previous years, it has been one heck of a roller coaster ride. As expected, this year turned out to be a year full of surprises. I faced lots of challenges, in all aspects: career, family, friends, money, and love. I met people who changed my perception in life. I came across different situations that made me who I am now. This year has been a mixture of sorrow, happiness, disappointments, excitement, realization and hope. That hope that once I close this last page of the chapter of my life, the new chapter will be way better that what it has been.

Seven more minutes before the start of 2017. I hear the noise signaling that this year is really about to end. As I close the last page of this chapter, I want to thank everyone who has been part of this meaningful year.

May we all have a fruitful and blessed 2017!🎉🎉🎉

posted from Bloggeroid

In Deep Thoughts on a Christmas Day

Everyone I know seems to be in deep slumber after celebrating Noche Buena here in the Philippines. Well, not me. I tried to sleep, yet, I keep on tossing and turning since the time my clock reminded me that it's Christmas, hence, I decided to put my restless mind (and heart) to become productive, that is, to write. 📝📃📄

As what my close and real friends know, I hate Christmas. For some reasons, this time of the year really makes me blue. I try hard not to be sad. I even do not post any negative quotes or the like on social networking sites, but I really can't help but still feel down during this time of the year. Can it be because of my current state in life? Or because of having to spend so much this season? I guess it's more of because I try my best to make others happy that should make me happier but deep inside I have to admit that it makes me sadder. Weird, isn't it?

I keep on reminding myself to love myself more. I even often take a glance on my inked left arm to remind me of this (Don't forget to love yourself), yet, I still do the opposite. I still love more than I can give. End result? I get hurt for doing so. I pretend to be happy but I know I am not. I still feel empty when I know a lot of people love me.

What's weirder is that I am an epitome of a strong woman for some but little did they know how I cry endlessly until I can cry no more. Little did they know that this person whom they look up to, who try not to shed any tear in public, cries a lot alone. Little did they know that this pretentious lady feels unappreciated after exerting too much effort in making others happy.

I don't know if there are people who share the same sentiments as mine. I know, this won't really make me any good. Ergo, I will just continue to be happy for others. Maybe, just maybe, it will make me happy too. Like what I always advise people, happiness is a choice. Even if I feel so sad for feeling unappreciated, even if my self esteem now is lower than the deepest underground, even if I feel as if people I care for force themselves to care for me, I guess I don't have much of a choice but to command my brain to be happy. Hopefully, If I do that, then everything else follows. I hope that I can master the art of being selfless, too. I hope I can start to think of myself and not to love others too much than myself. It's not that bad to hope for something, right? Miracles do happen. I'll just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

Merry Christmas 🎄 from the forever in deep thoughts blogger. ❤🎉🎅🍻

posted from Bloggeroid

The Endless Searching For "The One".

Oh body clock! Everyone is already sound asleep and here I am again in the middle of the night wide awake, reminiscing the days that were and the "what have beens".

Back in the days when I didn't know a lot this world has to offer, I loved the feeling of being inlove. Back then, I would cry a river if my relationship with someone didn't work, to the extent that I would literally be broken into pieces, thinking how unfair life is, then, I would get to meet a new "prospect", would fall inlove all over, then, would eventually get hurt, cry myself to sleep, then find a new one again. Yes, this is a never ending cycle: Finding the man, falling head over heels, losing him, ergo, resume the "searching". I know, I am an epitome of a hopeless romantic, isn't it? Well, you can say that again!

I am not getting any younger but it seems to me that I still haven't outgrown this demeanor: I search, I fall, I give my all, I fail, I break. Then I try again with high hopes then I lose again in the end. I get tired and emotionally drained but I keep on searching and hoping anyway.

What makes falling inlove so special that I can not resist from doing over and over despite knowing that I'd lose the game in the end? What makes heartache so painful that I know is inevitable but I still push myself to it and I end up being hurt in the long run anyway?

Too many questions yet the answers are unfathomable for someone like me up to this point in my life wherein I should have found the answers by now, or at least that someone who will put me at peace. Someone who will put a stop to my unbounded searching. Someone who will make me write happier narratives. Someone who will make me look forward to facing the future no matter how ugly or amazing it looks like.

Everyone tells me to wait. It will happen when it happens. Albeit my impatience, I am still awaiting for that perfect time. What choice do I have anyway but to wait?

My eyes and heart still won't cooperate with my mind which is asking me to call it a night. Just like what I often command myself, to stay happy in spite of what I feel, that is, I will force myself to sleep, to be in deep slumber, maybe I'll find "The One" in my dreams. 💗💗💗

posted from Bloggeroid

On Being Alone Versus Being Lonely

I have been contemplating since this morning whether or not to go out. Pictures of flowers, chocolates, engagement rings, and happy couples are all over different social networking sites. Yes. It's Valentine's Day. A special day that you get to celebrate with your special someone. Hence, the reason that I didn't want to go out in the first place. I guess the masochist in me won. I decided to leave the four corners of my room and face reality. Reality that I'm still alone, without knowing what the future has in store for me.

True enough, as I enter one of the malls in the metro, I see all those ecstatic faces with their love ones, women with flowers or heart-shaped baloons on one hand, and holding the hands of their partners on the other. Restaurants seem to be jam-packed with couples too! There are even some who have themed shirts or color coded outfits while snuggling with each other. Precisely what I need today, right? Yes. This is what I want and what I need. I want to feel the pain, if there's any. I feel the need to test the level of my emotions. As I always tell my friend, "Pain demands to be felt". True, that may be an excerpt from one of the flicks that I watch over and over until now, but this is where I can only prove how strong I am as an individual.

Pathetic and lonely may I sound, I decided to treat myself with my favorite Frappuccino and sat ALONE while I continue to watch people around me. And it hit me once again. I am alone. This is what I want. This is what I want to feel.

I recall reading an article not too long ago on the differences between being lonely from being alone. I believe I can say with conviction that I am not lonely. I am just plain alone. Being alone is not always synonymous to being lonely. Loneliness is a state of mind. You can be alone and still remain happy. I feel empty at times, owing to the fact that I don't have someone special in my life, yet, I also know that it won't do me any good should I continue to feel that way. It's a matter of perception. Thanks to the endless struggle between my functioning mind over my sometimes weak heart that I have already mastered the art of being happy in spite of being alone.

Loneliness, on the other hand, is your choice. You may have been through a lot of heartaches and may have wishfully thought of being special and loved by someone, but it's still up to you. It lies on how you will live your lives. It's up to you if you will hold on to the pain. It depends on you if you will continue to hope, or if you will move on. It's up to you if you will do something to make loneliness turn to contentment. It depends on you.

I faced my fears. I know I am alone and I don't know for how long. One thing I know for sure is that I am not lonely. 😊

posted from Bloggeroid

Believe.

I seldom go out alone. I am always found hanging out and having fun with friends. Feeling of emptiness is the simplest and most realistic reason behind it. Yes, I may look happy at all times but when I get the slighest chance to be by myself, every ounce of sadness starts to get out from the back of my head that I try hard to keep.

As I slowly sip my favorite Frappuccino with my loud music on, the sudden realization sinked in once again: I am alone and I am longing to have someone to be with again. Someone I can laugh my heart out with. Someone I can talk to when I have good or not so good days at work or at home. Someone whom I can be my diary. Someone who can understand my mood swings and my way of living. Someone who knows what I want, whether a cup of hot coffee, or seemingly cold can of soda. Someone who will make time for me no matter what. Someone I can proudly call mine.

I feel envious of happy couples strolling as if they have all the time in the world to be in each other's arms. They all look problem-free when I am here thinking of when I can be in that state again. Will it be in the near future? Or not at all?

I know I constantly remind people that happiness is a choice. However, there are really times that a person can be sad, no matter how strong you are. As they say, "No man is an island", hence, we can not always live by ourselves and we will eventually need someone to be with us.

So, the underlying question is, when will I ever feel that sense of belongingness again?

It's such a difficult phase when you are getting older and older, trying to pretend you're OK in front of everyone when deep inside you are not. I know a lot can relate to how I feel. No matter how hard you try to be happy, you just can't because there's this tiny voice inside your head telling you that you are otherwise.

What's even more difficult is the fact that you get to appreciate things others do for you that you get the wrong signals in the end. You silently hope that someone of the opposite sex is interested in you because of this person's effort in making you feel somewhat special. But in the long run, it's just friendship that he can offer, nothing more, nothing less. You still hope anyway for something else despite knowing and feeling that there's a slim chance of making the friendship turn into something else. So what happens in the end? You get hurt again along the way. Yet, you still continue to wish that there can be an "us". I guess that's really how life is. Sad, yet bittersweet.

And since I am hopeless romantic, I will just keep on hoping for now. I will keep on holding on. I'll try to just go with the flow. Be happy as I can. Take one step at a time. They say if you believe in something, you only need to continue in believing for your wishes and aspirations to come true. It may still be far from reality. Who knows, before I know it, I may have a happy ending after all.

As I sip the last few drops of my drink and as I glimpse at the passers-by, I decided to just really hang on and hope for a miracle. A miracle that will change my perception on life. A miracle that may change my life. 💖

posted from Bloggeroid

Habits Versus Reality

For someone like me who is in the BPO industry, change of body clock is one of my many struggles. This continues to be a fact despite being in the same industry for over a decade now. Your schedule would suddenly change when you have already adjusted your way of living, and when you have finally found work arounds for your daily routines.

This is precisely the same as our habits. As they say "Old habits die hard". It's difficult to break old habits. We can't just give up something that we have been doing for a lengthy period of time: May it be a simple routine such as drinking a cup of coffee at 3 AM, going to the salon every after two weeks to have your hair or nails done, your vices that you can't let go of, frequenting your favorite hang outs or indulging yourself with your favorite food, seeing the same person or same sets of friends, or even your perceptions in life.

There are underlying reasons for doing the same things over and over. Scientifically, it has to do with how our brain works. It has to do with how we program our brains to function in such a way that it becomes a behavior and routinary. In layman's terms, habit is something that we do automatically as we consciously and subconsciously gain pleasure, happiness, and contentment in it. Habit is what we do on a regular basis, a routine, and what we can't imagine our lives to be without.

If we ponder about what we do regularly and constantly, we will come to our senses and realize that there are things that we do that we still do simply because we can't get these things out from our systems. Admit it or not, we get scared of changing our habits or even our future plans as the result may not be as pleasurable as how the result of your habits give you now. We are scared of what the future entails if we change our normal ways of living the lives we have now.

But in reality, we have to sometimes un-learn what we have learned to do. We have to accept that there are things or people that we need to live or be without. We don't have any choice but to accept that we can't forever do what we do as change is the only thing that is constant in this world that we live in. We have to allow changes to happen, may it be in terms of career, relationship, family, or just a mere perception about life.

posted from Bloggeroid

Moving Forward

I bet people, of different races and culture from all over the globe are done, or almost done in celebrating the end of 2015 and start of 2016. Who would have thought that in a snap of your little fingers, by counting off before midnight struck, one whole year ended as the new one starts to unfold? Who would have realized that we have been doing the same routine every eve of the following year, with same sets of the so-called New Year's Resolution year after year, yet, we haven't done anything (or we don't get to sustain what we have started) to fulfill the promises we make?

Insane may it sound, I admit that I am guilty of this viscous cycle every single year, with no such luck. This makes me believe sometimes that promises are really made to be broken. But then again, we also stay to how we are owing to the idea of not wanting to get out of our cocoons as we are too comfortable to be in it and too scared of getting out from it. No matter how hard we try, our subconscious minds tell us to stay to where we are, to repeatedly make the same mistakes, and to just to be in our comfort zones, our yield from had reality.

Love, career, health, and money are the top four areas we constantly focus on (and rant about). We promise to be on a strict calory count a.k.a. diet and lose those ugly bulges by the end of every year which doesn't pan out. Admit it, if this is your new year's resolution, you go on a diet but you have your "cheat day" that becomes "cheat days" until such a time that diet is no longer in your dictionary. We promise to stop our vices (drinking, smoking, playing the lottery, partying, etc.). We stop temporarily but we go back to it simply because we miss doing such, and it's already part of our system that we feel incomplete if we don't do it. We only avoid any of these vices during the first few months, worst is, we only get to keep our promises for a few days at times. And when it comes to love, we make a long list of promises that we don't do; We commit on not dwelling on a past relationship when we still do; We commit on not getting our hopes high to be with someone we really like when we still do; We promise to forget someone who left us mending a broken heart but we don't; We promise not to be affected by someone's sweet gestures to avoid being friend-zoned, yet, we still get affected.

These are just some of the promises we make as part of our New Year's Resolution. The big question is, why do we need to swear to change only when it's too late and only during New Year's Eve or Day? We don't need for a year to end just to change our lifestyles, perceptions, and goals. If we can act on it now, why wait for twelve long months to let go of the heavy baggages and move forward?

Hence now, I won't have any new year's resolution. I will live my life to it's fullest. I will try my best to avoid negative vibes. I will just go with the flow. I will forget the past, and move forward to a better year, and work harder for a better me.

posted from Bloggeroid